the grass is always greener

When I used to think about being a stay at home mom, I thought I would slip right into that role like a glove. I always daydreamed about a time when I didn't have to work: my house would always be clean, laundry always done, errands always complete. I've been laid off now for 2 years, and am still having a hard time adjusting (see my post from Sept. 7th).

I think it goes without saying that I am thankful for the opportunity to spend so much time with Evan, and that most of the time I really enjoy the time I have to simply watch him play or read him a book. But I have to be honest--I don't think the full-time stay-at-home-mom gig is for me. I'm not saying I want to work 60 hours a week and be away from home all the time. I just need some time each day (or most days) do my own thing. And while I appreciate the times when Shawn encourages me to get away, I've realized I need something more consistent, or in bigger chunks of time. Honestly, a part-time gig would be perfect: I could have my own time but still have plenty of quality time with lil' man.

When I was first laid off, I struggled with the fact that when I woke up in the morning there was nothing to get ready for-my day was for me to do whatever I wanted but I didn't usually know what that was. It was a struggle. Then I got used to it, but I still feel like I am floating in an in-between. I spent so many years getting educated and working on my career that I actually miss work. I miss using my brain for grown-up stuff. And, like right now, I miss being able to work on something without someone whining in my ear or requiring so much attention that I can't focus--wait, I guess sometimes that happens in the working world...

I think the bottom line is that I need some balance. From 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., 7 days a week, it's all about Evan. And although work can be challenging and stressful, I wonder if it's just what I need to curb some of the frustration I feel about being home all the time. The other thing I think about is whether I will ever want to be a SAHM. We always talked about me staying home after #2, but it didn't really work out that way. Now I wonder, will it be different if I have 2 or more? Will work seem like a waste of time? I'm not sure but I think I'd like to find out. I've been at home full time, now I'd like to try having a life outside of my house.

There are some days that I envy Shawn's ability to go into his office and close the door to focus on work even though I know how stressful his job is and how tiring the travel can be. But I am 100% certain that he is envious of me some days since I get to hang out with Evan all day in my jammies and (attempt to) get stuff done around the house. I guess the grass is always greener...