When I used to think about being a stay at home mom, I thought I would slip right into that role like a glove. I always daydreamed about a time when I didn't have to work: my house would always be clean, laundry always done, errands always complete. I've been laid off now for 2 years, and am still having a hard time adjusting (see my post from Sept. 7th).
I think it goes without saying that I am thankful for the opportunity to spend so much time with Evan, and that most of the time I really enjoy the time I have to simply watch him play or read him a book. But I have to be honest--I don't think the full-time stay-at-home-mom gig is for me. I'm not saying I want to work 60 hours a week and be away from home all the time. I just need some time each day (or most days) do my own thing. And while I appreciate the times when Shawn encourages me to get away, I've realized I need something more consistent, or in bigger chunks of time. Honestly, a part-time gig would be perfect: I could have my own time but still have plenty of quality time with lil' man.
When I was first laid off, I struggled with the fact that when I woke up in the morning there was nothing to get ready for-my day was for me to do whatever I wanted but I didn't usually know what that was. It was a struggle. Then I got used to it, but I still feel like I am floating in an in-between. I spent so many years getting educated and working on my career that I actually miss work. I miss using my brain for grown-up stuff. And, like right now, I miss being able to work on something without someone whining in my ear or requiring so much attention that I can't focus--wait, I guess sometimes that happens in the working world...
I think the bottom line is that I need some balance. From 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., 7 days a week, it's all about Evan. And although work can be challenging and stressful, I wonder if it's just what I need to curb some of the frustration I feel about being home all the time. The other thing I think about is whether I will ever want to be a SAHM. We always talked about me staying home after #2, but it didn't really work out that way. Now I wonder, will it be different if I have 2 or more? Will work seem like a waste of time? I'm not sure but I think I'd like to find out. I've been at home full time, now I'd like to try having a life outside of my house.
There are some days that I envy Shawn's ability to go into his office and close the door to focus on work even though I know how stressful his job is and how tiring the travel can be. But I am 100% certain that he is envious of me some days since I get to hang out with Evan all day in my jammies and (attempt to) get stuff done around the house. I guess the grass is always greener...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
rough week-part two
Remember when I said Thursday was better? That night it got kind of worrisome. And remember when I said I was 5 weeks pregnant? I woke up in the middle of the night with some major abdominal cramping. I was a little worried but thought maybe it was a result from the emotional couple of days I had. The cramping didn't come back that night or at all on Friday. I had a tiny bit of spotting but nothing major. I called my OB/GYN but she didn't seem concerned at all at this point. I should also mention that I have 2 large cysts on my right ovary, which she had found on 8-24, the same day I found out I was newly pregnant. Shawn had come home Friday night so I got some good hugs from him and told him what happened Thursday night. He still seemed optimistic and encouraged me to be the same, telling me that I had such a healthy first pregnancy and everything was going to be fine. I wanted to believe it so badly but I was feeling a bit nervous.
Saturday night, I went up to bed and suddenly had the pains again. I was writhing around in bed feeling awful. Shawn was trying to do some work in his office and came in to check on me--brought me some ginger ale/tums...I ended up vomiting, but that still didn't make me feel better. After an hour and a half, I finally felt better and was able to fall asleep.
Sunday morning, I was feeling better but my tummy still wasn't 100%. My appetite had been gone for the past couple of days and I was nauseous as well. I felt confident telling Shawn to head to his volleyball tournament since I was generally feeling fine. Around 1130 a.m. I started getting stuff together to take Evan to the park and have a picnic while Shawn finished up volleyball. And then it hit me. It was pain I have never felt before, and I delivered Evan naturally! I was doubled over, I couldn't move, could barely breathe. Nothing I did relieved the pain. I got dizzy, scared. Evan was due to wake up any minute and I couldn't move an inch, let alone go upstairs and pick him up. I picked up the phone and couldn't even text--I speed dialed Shawn and got his voice mail. I was fearing he was in the middle of a game, but I left a message anyway telling him to come home. Thankfully, he got the voicemail and headed straight home.
Evan was still in bed and by the time Shawn got home, the pain subsided enough for me to curl up on the couch. At that point, I had my dr paged and when she called I filled her in. She still didn't seem alarmed--she thought maybe my cyst burst or it was appendicitis. She said that if it was a miscarriage, the only reason to go to the hospital was for pain meds. She offered to see me the next day (Monday) in her office. I was not comfortable with her response but I decided to call the next day and try to get in to see her. I just wanted her to do an ultrasound and see if she could see anything--even if it was too early to see a heartbeat...
Well, I didn't have to wait. Sunday night I went up to bed and that searing pain from earlier in the day came back and I was in unbearable pain. This time, Shawn was right there to see me and immediately decided he was taking me to the ER. We woke up Evan and drove to the ER, me in major pain the entire way.
Based on the results of the blood tests and ultrasounds, the Dr informed me that he was certain I had an ectopic pregnancy and that it burst. He said I had to have surgery within the next few hours. I was suddenly scared and upset. I knew what that could mean--the embryo implanted in my fallopian tube and it burst so would I still be able to have children?? At 330 a.m., I went in for laparoscopic surgery. They removed 500cc of blood from my abdominal area (which is not bad), the remains of the embryo and my right fallopian tube. I was told I can still go on to have completely healthy pregnancies, and the fact that I already have a child helps my chances. My blood count is a bit low, so instead of 6 weeks, I have to wait 2-3 months before we can try to conceive again but I am ok with that. When I do, God willing, get pregnant again, I will be considered high risk which means they will monitor me much more closely in the beginning.
Earlier in the week I was wondering if everything was going to hit me but so far it hasn't.I think it's mostly because I am relieved that Shawn was home to make me go to the ER, that I was no longer in pain and that I was alive! When a tubal pregnancy bursts and there is internal bleeding it could be fatal. I was thankful I hadn't seen the heartbeat yet because I think I would have felt the loss of the pregnancy much more.
Although I can't help but feel a bit frustrated with my OB/GYN for dismissing, twice, my complaint of abdominal pain during early pregnancy. I can't decide if I am going to ditch her or not. I thought highly of her with my first pregnancy, but my first pregnancy was a breeze...The jury is still out on this...
I am still in disbelief that this happened, and still feel sadness when I think about it sometimes, but overall I am just feeling thankful that I am ok and that I can still have children. And as I sit here, resting and recovering nicely, I am still feeling extremely grateful for the amazing support system I have. They all said the right things and stepped up in the ways they needed to. It's because of them that I am not a complete wreck and for that I am eternally grateful!
Saturday night, I went up to bed and suddenly had the pains again. I was writhing around in bed feeling awful. Shawn was trying to do some work in his office and came in to check on me--brought me some ginger ale/tums...I ended up vomiting, but that still didn't make me feel better. After an hour and a half, I finally felt better and was able to fall asleep.
Sunday morning, I was feeling better but my tummy still wasn't 100%. My appetite had been gone for the past couple of days and I was nauseous as well. I felt confident telling Shawn to head to his volleyball tournament since I was generally feeling fine. Around 1130 a.m. I started getting stuff together to take Evan to the park and have a picnic while Shawn finished up volleyball. And then it hit me. It was pain I have never felt before, and I delivered Evan naturally! I was doubled over, I couldn't move, could barely breathe. Nothing I did relieved the pain. I got dizzy, scared. Evan was due to wake up any minute and I couldn't move an inch, let alone go upstairs and pick him up. I picked up the phone and couldn't even text--I speed dialed Shawn and got his voice mail. I was fearing he was in the middle of a game, but I left a message anyway telling him to come home. Thankfully, he got the voicemail and headed straight home.
Evan was still in bed and by the time Shawn got home, the pain subsided enough for me to curl up on the couch. At that point, I had my dr paged and when she called I filled her in. She still didn't seem alarmed--she thought maybe my cyst burst or it was appendicitis. She said that if it was a miscarriage, the only reason to go to the hospital was for pain meds. She offered to see me the next day (Monday) in her office. I was not comfortable with her response but I decided to call the next day and try to get in to see her. I just wanted her to do an ultrasound and see if she could see anything--even if it was too early to see a heartbeat...
Well, I didn't have to wait. Sunday night I went up to bed and that searing pain from earlier in the day came back and I was in unbearable pain. This time, Shawn was right there to see me and immediately decided he was taking me to the ER. We woke up Evan and drove to the ER, me in major pain the entire way.
Based on the results of the blood tests and ultrasounds, the Dr informed me that he was certain I had an ectopic pregnancy and that it burst. He said I had to have surgery within the next few hours. I was suddenly scared and upset. I knew what that could mean--the embryo implanted in my fallopian tube and it burst so would I still be able to have children?? At 330 a.m., I went in for laparoscopic surgery. They removed 500cc of blood from my abdominal area (which is not bad), the remains of the embryo and my right fallopian tube. I was told I can still go on to have completely healthy pregnancies, and the fact that I already have a child helps my chances. My blood count is a bit low, so instead of 6 weeks, I have to wait 2-3 months before we can try to conceive again but I am ok with that. When I do, God willing, get pregnant again, I will be considered high risk which means they will monitor me much more closely in the beginning.
Earlier in the week I was wondering if everything was going to hit me but so far it hasn't.I think it's mostly because I am relieved that Shawn was home to make me go to the ER, that I was no longer in pain and that I was alive! When a tubal pregnancy bursts and there is internal bleeding it could be fatal. I was thankful I hadn't seen the heartbeat yet because I think I would have felt the loss of the pregnancy much more.
Although I can't help but feel a bit frustrated with my OB/GYN for dismissing, twice, my complaint of abdominal pain during early pregnancy. I can't decide if I am going to ditch her or not. I thought highly of her with my first pregnancy, but my first pregnancy was a breeze...The jury is still out on this...
I am still in disbelief that this happened, and still feel sadness when I think about it sometimes, but overall I am just feeling thankful that I am ok and that I can still have children. And as I sit here, resting and recovering nicely, I am still feeling extremely grateful for the amazing support system I have. They all said the right things and stepped up in the ways they needed to. It's because of them that I am not a complete wreck and for that I am eternally grateful!
rough week-part one
I have to do this in 2 parts so it's not so long. There are 2 separate stories so I split them up for easier reading. It gets a little personal, but I am ready to share it so here it goes...
A little over a month ago I noticed my cat, Sophie, limping a bit. We found that it was her front paw/shoulder. We already had an appointment for her to get her teeth cleaned so the vet offered to check her out at the same time. Sophie ended up getting 4 teeth extracted (!), which is what happens when you neglect your pet's teeth for several years, but the vet didn't find anything at all wrong with her shoulder/paw/elbow. A week later, she was still limping pretty badly so I called the vet again and she offered to check her out again, this time resulting in a steroid shot since she still couldn't see/feel anything wrong. Over the weekend, she was getting progressively worse-sleeping more than usual and barely eating or drinking so another call to the vet. This time, she said I'd have to drop her off and they would do an xray and try to see what was happening. Later that day, she was still not doing well--they had to give her an IV because she was dehydrated and she was generally not well. The next day, the news was worse. They took her out to examine her and she collapsed so they had to put her on oxygen. The xray showed that her lungs were either full of fluid or something was wrong with them, possibly pneumonia or even a shattered diaphragm. It was hard for her to tell, but Sophie was in a dire situation. I guess when cats get to that point it's pretty bad. So she told me there was nothing else she could do, but recommended me to a critical care hospital for animals where they could do further diagnostics and see if they could help her. I was a wreck. I rescued her at 4 months old and have had her for 9 years--I was torn up. Long story short, I had a difficult decision to make and imagining her getting poked and prodded and put through more tests made me cry. I called Shawn since he was out of town and, although he was trying hard to find a silver lining, we both knew what had to be done given she was 10 years old and in a perilous situation. I gave the vet the word and on 9-8-10 at 445 p.m., my little kitty was put to sleep.
I am getting teary just recalling this. It was so difficult and even more difficult because I had to deal with this all alone--Shawn was in NYC for work. I was also hitting me hard because I was 5 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. I pretty much cried all afternoon/evening on Wednesday--I fell asleep with tissues in my hand. Thursday was better but still got teary when I would see the empty kitchen chair she liked to sleep on, or the couch cushion she was always curling up on. I was surprised at how much I felt the loss of her, how much it affected me. I felt like I had lost a family member, which, those of you with pets will attest, she was a family member. I know it was for the best, but I really miss her...
...and this was just the beginning of the worst week ever.
A little over a month ago I noticed my cat, Sophie, limping a bit. We found that it was her front paw/shoulder. We already had an appointment for her to get her teeth cleaned so the vet offered to check her out at the same time. Sophie ended up getting 4 teeth extracted (!), which is what happens when you neglect your pet's teeth for several years, but the vet didn't find anything at all wrong with her shoulder/paw/elbow. A week later, she was still limping pretty badly so I called the vet again and she offered to check her out again, this time resulting in a steroid shot since she still couldn't see/feel anything wrong. Over the weekend, she was getting progressively worse-sleeping more than usual and barely eating or drinking so another call to the vet. This time, she said I'd have to drop her off and they would do an xray and try to see what was happening. Later that day, she was still not doing well--they had to give her an IV because she was dehydrated and she was generally not well. The next day, the news was worse. They took her out to examine her and she collapsed so they had to put her on oxygen. The xray showed that her lungs were either full of fluid or something was wrong with them, possibly pneumonia or even a shattered diaphragm. It was hard for her to tell, but Sophie was in a dire situation. I guess when cats get to that point it's pretty bad. So she told me there was nothing else she could do, but recommended me to a critical care hospital for animals where they could do further diagnostics and see if they could help her. I was a wreck. I rescued her at 4 months old and have had her for 9 years--I was torn up. Long story short, I had a difficult decision to make and imagining her getting poked and prodded and put through more tests made me cry. I called Shawn since he was out of town and, although he was trying hard to find a silver lining, we both knew what had to be done given she was 10 years old and in a perilous situation. I gave the vet the word and on 9-8-10 at 445 p.m., my little kitty was put to sleep.
I am getting teary just recalling this. It was so difficult and even more difficult because I had to deal with this all alone--Shawn was in NYC for work. I was also hitting me hard because I was 5 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. I pretty much cried all afternoon/evening on Wednesday--I fell asleep with tissues in my hand. Thursday was better but still got teary when I would see the empty kitchen chair she liked to sleep on, or the couch cushion she was always curling up on. I was surprised at how much I felt the loss of her, how much it affected me. I felt like I had lost a family member, which, those of you with pets will attest, she was a family member. I know it was for the best, but I really miss her...
...and this was just the beginning of the worst week ever.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
maybe I'm not the version of superwoman I thought I was...
Last Thursday, Shawn and Evan took a trip into Chicago. No, nothing is wrong. I had a trip with Evan back in the spring and Shawn wanted to take him to Chicago to visit his grandma who is getting older and more frail. In an effort to save money and because we have 2 flights in 2 months for weddings, I stayed home and had a weekend to myself.
Oh the grand plans I had! I had a list of so many things I was going to accomplish since I was going to be alone in the house. Who did I think I was?? I definitely got a lot of my running around done, which was nice because trying to do all that with a toddler doesn't work. There are naps and meals and diaper changes, and let's not forget they don't like being stuck in a car seat all day. Not to mention the time added to the errands of taking kid out of car seat, into stroller, back into car seat for EVERY trip! A 4 1/2 hour leisurely shopping trip with a friend was exhausting but definitely nice since I didn't feel rushed or had a whiny kid to cut it short.
But who was I kidding? I may have been toddler-free but running around ALL day is not my idea of a good time--it is tiring!! I wanted to enjoy some down time too. I was watching River all day Friday so that limited my "freedom", leaving me with only Saturday and Sunday to myself. I was able to unwind at the end of the day with movies and chilling on the couch. I tried to sleep in but that didn't work so I was still up by 7, which is fine. All in all, I had a nice, productive weekend where I wasn't stuck to a schedule.
I learned a few things though:
Oh the grand plans I had! I had a list of so many things I was going to accomplish since I was going to be alone in the house. Who did I think I was?? I definitely got a lot of my running around done, which was nice because trying to do all that with a toddler doesn't work. There are naps and meals and diaper changes, and let's not forget they don't like being stuck in a car seat all day. Not to mention the time added to the errands of taking kid out of car seat, into stroller, back into car seat for EVERY trip! A 4 1/2 hour leisurely shopping trip with a friend was exhausting but definitely nice since I didn't feel rushed or had a whiny kid to cut it short.
But who was I kidding? I may have been toddler-free but running around ALL day is not my idea of a good time--it is tiring!! I wanted to enjoy some down time too. I was watching River all day Friday so that limited my "freedom", leaving me with only Saturday and Sunday to myself. I was able to unwind at the end of the day with movies and chilling on the couch. I tried to sleep in but that didn't work so I was still up by 7, which is fine. All in all, I had a nice, productive weekend where I wasn't stuck to a schedule.
I learned a few things though:
- Running around is definitely easier without Evan but doable if I need to run only a couple of errands.
- I CAN get housework done while he is napping but I have to be prepared to be interrupted and pick up where I left off later.
- Relax-on-the-couch or shopping time is definitely nicer when you don't have to watch a clock.
So I will stop complaining that I can't get projects done with Evan and admit that I just need to allot more time for them, and I will make sure to take Shawn up on the offer to watch him during his naps and on weekends so I can hit the gym and run errands.
So I can still be Superwoman, but I have to be the version of Superwoman where she has a kid.
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